WE NEED TO ADMIT THAT YOU HATE YOURSELF! ADMIT IT!
We are going to step it up a notch!
Here’s a question for you all. So we’ve heard every excuse in the world why pressing, perming, wigs, or weave wearing is easier, but here’s a question for you:
If you lost a leg and they had a variety of prosthetic limbs to chose from, there was all different hues, some even dead on to your natural complexion, what would make you get the very fair, pinkish leg instead? If it was just a matter of covering loss wouldn’t they get something that looks like what is naturally them so no one would notice?
That’s for the women who say wigs are easier. That’s also for the women who say that they are doing it to cover up hair loss. If it was one case that would be one thing, but if the MAJORITY do the same thing then what’s the underlying reason. IT’S SELF HATE! IF YOU DO NOT SEE THAT YOU ARE BLIND TO REALITY!
Black women, you are the least likely of all women to get married. Why? I figure the reason is if you do not love yourself it is IMPOSSIBLE for you to truly love anyone else! A Black man might as well get the real thing, why get what you are imitating?
The second excuse is:
“I don’t know how to care for my natural hair.” The same energy and effort you put into learning how to hate yourself and to imitate somebody else you can put into loving yourself learning to care for your natural self! That’s that biggest load of crap I’ve ever heard.
The reason I’m so passionate and borderline pissed off about this is our mothers, sisters, cousins, and communities are full of women who hate themselves. Not only that, they hate black men. Sure they say the love them, but they REALLY hate them because they remind them of the thing they hate in the mirror. A nation is measured by its women, straight up! I am a product of women who hate themselves. I’m tired of it!
Black men, you have problems too. But this post is directed at black women. I need some answers!
{ 96 comments… read them below or add one }
To accuse all black women of hating themselves because they choose to do their hair a certain way is absurd. I’m all for this website and i agree that black people in Amerikkka need a change…but to tell people to “admit that they hate themselves” is just wrong. That doesn’t help our race out and it doesn’t solve anything. A woman has the right to wear her hair in any style she chooses. Just because it’s not a style that you agree with….doesn’t make them wrong. As a black man, I LOVE black women and find all styles of hair attractive. I think the beautiful India Arie put it best when she sang: “I am not my hair”. How dare you define a black woman by the way she wears her hair! Like I said before, I’m all for helping out our race in any way shape for form…but this just isn’t right. I can’t believe you would publish an article that tells black people to hate themselves….I’m in shock.
Chris
Chris, I’m glad you can read. But I’m sad that you read something that wasn’t in there. We keep using the same excuses and ending up in the same predicaments. The answers are right there but African people are too busy going “dumb” to realize it.
“black people to hate themselves” was never typed by my hands. The only way to change a problem is to recognize that problem at first. In any AA across the world they’ll tell you that. You must admit to having a problem before you can solve it.
If someone you know has a drinking problem says, “I just do it because of so and so… I can stop at anytime,” that’s called denial. That’s what is happening to African people on a day to day in the same vein. Sorry your blinders prevent you from seeing the truth.
Have a look:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRSgUTWffMQ
I do a lot of generalizing. I use it in a way of saying swine is dirty. Meaning: You might say, “not my pig, we feed it good grains, wash it, it never goes in mud,” etc. Good for you and your pig, but on average, swine is dirty.
Are you sure this is a race thing and not just a woman thing?
I have dark hair, sometimes I dye it darker, sometimes lighter. I like to change. I’m not trying to change who I am and where I’m from, I like variety. I change my clothes style, I change my lipstick but I don’t change who I am or what I believe in
Skinheads wear Doc Martins and flight jackets as a part of their wardrobe. Bikers wear leather. Gangstas sag their pants. So should we just except that African (in America) women wear perms?
Changing your hair color, clothes, and makeup isn’t even in the same league and the wigs, perms, and weaves that ARE NOT of your natural make. If there was a smaller percentage doing it that would be one thing. But it’s the majority, so we have to wonder what’s going on?
Little girls who never had a choice whether they wanted natural or processed are permed usually. What happens afterward, someone says “you look so pretty” as if so hadn’t before.
I can’t speak for every woman, however I know that I am going through the process of rediscovering my natural hair because for at least 10 years or more Ive had a perm. I’m only 24. So yes i hated how my hair just “needed” these chemicals to make it manageable. So I cut it off. I was not suffering from “self hate” however I did not want to keep hair that I did not choose nor liked all that much. And now that I’m going back to my natural hair I feel as you put it… I’m giving people the “real thing” and that my hair does not define me.
P.S.
I feel that this site has great potential yet some of the posts scare or offend the audience. OR some posts are like HERE is the problem. Its easy to see the problem. Offer more solutions and more people are learning better ways to live.
For example, sometimes when I was in college, I’d have professors say “Joya HOW do you not see the answer or how could you not know this already? You’re in college!” As if I or my prior schooling was the problem. To anyone else that could be offensive, but I just knew that they didn’t understand that we all learn, read, comprehend, and utilize information differently. Just something to think about. Nonetheless I appreciate your efforts and hard work because the battle you fighting is mighty. ~JP
oops i meant you’re*
Actually, the more interesting thing to note is how black women respond when they see black MEN with a perm. I once spoke with a sister who had a perm who said she wouldn’t vote for Al Sharpton because *he* had a perm.
Think about THAT.
If every excuse provided by black women for why they get perms is appropriate, why would they look askance at a black man with a perm?
Since it’s just about ease of management and all. LOL.
Not to say that *I* want black men to wear perms (I don’t), but I am a fan of logic and consistency. LOL.
Joya, thank you for your post and I am glad that you have decided to be you.
I understand your point in that my approach may turn a lot of people off. I’m considering the alternative, but for now I’m using no softeners. Some of these things I feel like commonsense shows a solution for, but I may be wrong.
spirit equality, definitely, S-curls, perms, and all of that on men are just as bad.
Yes, a man with a perm is all bad in most Black women’s eyes. S-Curls and texturizers get a pass unless they look crunchy, and sometimes even then. I think the only reason there’d be a problem with a S-curl/texturizer would be if it actually looks like a S-curl/texturizer, because otherwise she’d just be fooled into thinking he’s a man with “pretty hair” (i’m saying this instead of “good” hair). Men with “pretty” hair seem to collect women, whether they have ponytails or pigtails or braids down their backs, because there are still women who pray and pray to get pregnant by one of them so their child will too have “pretty” hair and they won’t “have to” put a perm in that child’s hair.
We’re so caught up in hair texture and how we can make our hair “easier” to deal with by altering it when we could just as easily judge ourselves and our men by higher standards than what texture of hair we have, and embrace what we’ve been given. Once you learn to love yourself with the hair that you were made to have, you can discover many ways to “deal with” that hair and rock it fantastically, because anything is easy once you learn it.
With all the views of this post this is all the replies there is?
I love me and every little me running around. I’m a black woman and very proud of it. I am proud of my dreds, I teach my daughter to love and respect herself above all else and love her natural hair. I was once one of those women permed multi colored hair…I knew how to take care of my natural hair…it wasn’t easier…maintaining the craziness was actually more work. My reasoning back then was it was my way of expressing myself…I found other less harmful ways and more natural ways to express my beauty and creativeness. I encourage my siblings to do the same…we are all a work in progress. I appreciate the question that bought about so many diffrent responces.
glad you made this post bruh. for real. cause i’m just about sick and tired of black women saying straightening their hair is just a hair style. YOU ARE PUTTING ACID ON YOUR HEAD TO MAKE IT LOOK MORE STRAIGHT. Just think about that. either that or YOU ARE SUBJECTING YOUR HAIR TO 350 DEGREE HOT COMBS to make it straight. No wonder our hair be breaking all the time and we need weave and weekly hair treatments and yes, i’ll say it—we do it in order to fit in with mainstream society and to look more caucasian. they have told us our natural hair is not acceptable and we have internalized that. WAKE UP. STOP STRAIGHTENING YOUR HAIR. Some women would rather die than have people see it in their natural state. that’s a shame. So many brothers would love to see Michelle Obama in a natural. I’ve heard them say it.
I think its apparent that self hate is a cause of a lot of things going on in the African American community. Women with curly hair or naturally straight hair (mostly other races) seem to be more pleasant and free flowing on average. I think its because they feel beautiful and have genuine self love. The divorce for Black women is higher then any other race of women. The marriage is the lowest. I’m not sure many can understand that when you do not accept yourself and love yourself as yourself you cannot love anyone else. That is why I think Black females with the same condition bond super tight. It’s a bond in misery. In many situations when a African (in America) female becomes married they have a tighter bond with their girlfriends than their husbands. Their girlfriends know that deep down hate, too, so naturally they’d feel closer to one another.
The self hate is almost like a cookie in a child’s mouth. If you ask that child, “have you had any cookies,” and they say “nuh-uh” you look at them like, your cheek is poking out with a cookie in it, why would you try to lie?
Hmm. Its interesting to see how you worded this post. I am a natural kinky haired black woman, and I love myself very much. My mom chose to perm my hair when I was younger. I had shoulderlength permed hair, and she would just rant and rave over it. I got tired of the “girl you NEED a perm” talk every 3 weeks, and the gemini in me said fuck it. Do you.
At 18 I cut it all off and went natural. Easily the best decision I mad (after college). I encourage my sistas to go natural, not by speaking, but by doing. Speaking on this topic is a catch 22. Especially handled this way. Permed girls feel inferior and shut down. A perm started off as our mothers choices when we were young. They had no natural haircare patience nor training so they would slap in the perm and remedy the ‘problem.’ Just viewing our hair as problematic is a damn shame.
Instead of divisive posts like this, I would love to see more black men adoring natural women. Post some natural women up and call us beautiful. Put us in your calenders, magazines and videos. What I noticed is that you have to convince the permed black woman that black men will still be attracted to her in her natural state. I have had nothing but great & adoring reviews on my hair. The only naysayers were all black men.
ETA: I think you are asking for defensive responses by asking someone why they do something they’ve done for YEARS without thought. I was never taught how to do my hair. Ever. When I went natural I had to fire my stylist because weak permed brittle hair is more easy to manage. She could do 3 permed heads with weak edges and brittle ends in the time she twisted my lucious tresses. When you have healthy hair on your head, it needs a little more than a few curlers and some watered down asian made products.
If only my sistas knew how easy it was…! I say we boycott the perms, and bleed the rude asian people dry. They are making millions off of keeping our hair stripped and dependent on their products. All you need is products out of your kitchen, or the african store/health food store. You save hella money, and you yield better results.
I am proud to say that I HAVE NEVER HAD A RELAXER/PERM/CHEMICAL in my beautiful KINKY, NAPPY, COILED, GOD-GIVEN hair. I’m almost 35 years old. Its a shame that I’m considered abnormal because of this. My three daughters (13, 10, and 3 years old) have never even had heat applied to their natural hair. I an an Afrikan born in America who AGREES WITH YOU 100% on this issue. Ladies, sometimes the truth hurts. But something is wrong when a person thinks she can’t go outside due to her hair not being permed. Something is wrong when you put a relaxer in a 6 year olds hair. Something is wrong when you go through such great lengths to alter your hair’s natural texture just so that you can be considered acceptable. That’s loving yourself? Come on! Look, I’m not saying that every natural sista has an abundance of self love or self worth. Folks might have all types of issues to go through before they have self acceptance/love. But we can as Afrikans cannot deny that doing certain things to ourselves is an extension of how we feel and think of ourselves. Sistas, WE HAVE THE HANDS THAT ROCK THE CRADLE! It starts with us….
Good points, JuJu. Especially about black men showing natural sistas that they think our hair is DA BOMB! I guarantee you more sistas would consider going natural if they knew men (or whomever they are trying to attract) thought it was beautiful.
luvlilocs, Wow, I came to reply to the comment above yours and you must have posted in between my thought and the click. The bit about being abnormal is the truth and sickening. And also “WE HAVE THE HANDS THAT ROCK THE CRADLE! It starts with us…” that statement is so profound! I hope somebody gets it.
JuJu, I think you make some very valuable points and I’m glad that you decided to make a transformation. You are very right, there needs to be the other side of the coin as well. The appreciation for the natural beauties around. And as far as the Asians go, I was having those thoughts last night! Our people do not provide the services that our people need. We are the most entertaining actors, musicians, and athletes out of every other nationality alive. That’s what we bring to the table. Yet, we do not own any teams, television stations (BET is white owned), or record labels (we have sub-labels, but the ultimate say is whites. 5ocent and Jay-z are both overseen by whites.)
I just want to thank the women for speaking the truth…..
D, I just reread the comments and somehow I totally bypassed yours. Sorry.
You make a GREAT point! A lot of babies are born based on hair type. Education, physical strength, natural intelligence, all fall behind curly hair on the priority list in a lot of cases. I’ve actually heard girls say things about if they were with so and so they’d have a baby with pretty hair. RIDICULOUS! And as you’ve pointed out, this is where our priorities lay?
I am a napptural sister and I must say that I didn’t completely love every inch of me until I was napptural. Similar to a comment above, there can be no overarching generalization that all napptural women completely love themselves. However, I think that going natural is a major step in the process. Let me break it down in a simple, formulaic manner: Relating one’s physical beauty to something artificial (perms, wigs, weaves, etc.*) means that one doesn’t truly love self because they don’t think of their true selves as beautiful. If one doesn’t think that they are beautiful, then one must believe that they are ugly. Relating “ugliness” to something (hair) that is a fundamental part of who you are leads to self-hatred. One cant love themselves if they completely despise an important part of who they are.
Further, I must say agree that the gamut of excuses that black (brown) women offer as a reason for relaxers/wigs/weaves is outrageous foolishness. My hair is very healthy, long, and fierce. Concededly, it takes a little more time to manage it daily, but it is far less time than spending 8 hrs in a salon waiting to get my scalp burned. Overall though, the maintenance is the same. I wash, condition, and detangle it just as a “sister” with a perm does. Moreover, maintaining and styling my hair is extremely enjoyable. Its very versatile and did I mention fierce? lol. I love not having the cookie-cutter look. Whenever I step anywhere I receive admiring stares because of my hair and the confidence with which I rock it.
As far as the India.Arie comment above, she is correct in her assertion that a woman is “not her hair” if she uses artificial means to achieve the style. However, I for one do feel that I am my hair because it is a part of my greatness.
*this can also be said for a person that defines their worth materialistically.
WOW!!! Great comment!
The funny thing about what you are saying is this:
Most woman say “my hair is my shining glory” until you ask them about the fraudulent processes THEN they want to quote someone like India.Arie and say “I am not my hair”. Which is it? If your hair is your glory and it is fake then you are what?
Another point I’d like to make is we need to change our language. Black, in the English diction means so many negative things. We are not Black. Nor are we nappy and kinky, which again mean negative things. This is how we’ve been duped time and time again. It is time for us to redefine us! As long as we keep using that talk to describe us we won’t grow to our fullest potential. This will all take time, I’m just planting the seed.
I agree with you about our choice of words. I use the word “napptural” because of an online community to which I belong, nappturality.com. I used to say “natural” until I felt the warm embrace of the people on that site. About the use of the word “black”, I am trying to break myself of it. BUT, I do like using the word “brown” because I absolutely LOVE my skin. I must say that there are very positive few words that we can use to describe ourselves. The name Africa was popularized and mostly used by Europeans, namely Scipio and Leo Africanus. More, the connotations that have been attached to the word Africa like, “cold and horror.” Kemet doesn’t really work because it has been interpreted to mean black, which brings us back to your argument. Further, Kemet is restricted to one region of the continent (Egypt). Maybe we could call ourselves Moors. My conscious friend refers to himself as an enlightened being, but his state of awareness is rare, indeed, and can not be applied to all of us. What do you prefer?
Nappy & kinky have negative connotations, i must admit. I’ve always thought that the way i said it undid the perception.
Man: You got that NAPPY sh*t.
JuJu: Happy 2 be nappy! This is the way my hair grows. All black people’s hair grows this way.
I know this is a touchy topic but it amazes me how my own people respond to me wearing my hair the way God made it! More often than not, i get the “oh girl, how did u get your hair to curl that way?” When i tell them I’m natural, and their hair can look like this if they let it, they assume im mixed, or have that ‘good hair.’
Dont get me started on good hair. My motto is: if you have hair. good.
I must admit, when i went natural i was hoping and praying that i would have type 3b or 3c curls. Of course my hair came in all 4b (for the non naturals, thats the tightest curl pattern, with the most shrinkage.) Embracing my natural hair was a kneejerk reaction. God made me this way, and i love it. Also there are 100% natural ways to loosen your curl pattern. Using henna, or carmelization method can make your natural hair more ‘manageable’ Good ole patience works too.
I got to admit i love this website,imma recommend this to my friends in my class.
lostheritage, fyi, I did get the question. I am really contemplating my response. Give me a few, please
Ewbar, I was thinking that we should simply say “people of the diaspora”.
Corrections to the last post: **More, the connotations that have been attached to the word Africa like, “cold and horror” evoke negative emotions. Also, many equate the word Africa with meaning the “dark continent.”
**very few positive words
** Further, Kemet is restricted to one region of the continent (Egypt), meaning it will not (can not) apply to many people of the diaspora.
*apologies for the typos in my last post.
-lostheritage
Wow…what a timely post! I just added you to twitter and linked to your site today.
As a dark-skinned woman of Caribbean descent, I was always told that I had “bad hair” because it was coarse and curly. I could scrub pots with my hair is how I used to describe it…self-hate definitely because I wanted to have beautiful, long, straight hair…remember that routine Whoopi used to do with the towel on her head while playing a valley girl…that was me… *smdh*
Anyways, I digress…I’ve been wearing my hair natural for the last 7 years and I couldn’t be happier. When I used to relax my hair I felt so restricted because I couldn’t swim, sweat or have sex without worrying about my hair…how sad is that? I finally got the message that my hair is supposed to be curly and that I do have options…actually a lot of options! There’s so much that I can do with my natural hair that I couldn’t with my relaxed hair.
My journey was simple…I went to the barber shop and told my man to cut off all the perm and give me a caesar…he thought I was crazy and so did a lot of other people at the time but I’m glad I did it! Now I have a full head of naturally beautiful God-given hair that I currently twist or put up in an afro puff when I’m channeling the 70’s…lol!
My final thought is this. If we were supposed to have straight hair, we would have been born with it. I say work with what you’ve got and make the most of it. God has given each of us our rightful crowns so wear it with pride.
Peace & blessings.
To me, Perm issue is a two sided coin. Of course applying chemicals is not just the smartest thing to do on “any” part of your body, but to each is own. I would lean towards *anti* perms, but have no problems with a woman that wants to flat iron and or straighten their hair using anything else. Women of all races do this, and it has nothing to do with them hating their hair because of their race. I will say the Tyra platinum blonde look….. a tid bit overboard.
I would agree with you, but can’t. Other races aren’t putting their babies through the processes in early childhood. I don’t see little 5 year old girls of other nationalities with their hair processed. That usually happens when the child comes of age, and in some cases has to BEG their parents for permission to process their hair. It’s different. I see young girls, pre-perm, looking very beautiful, and then I look at the mom fried and dyed and think, “it’s only a matter of days until that baby will be stripped”.
thebajangirl, excellent! I’m happy to hear that you’ve been to the other side, made it back, and now live in happiness. I think a lot of women contemplate it but are so afraid to actually do it because they don’t know what’s on the other side. For them I feel compassion. A comfort zone is hard to get out of, I know this first hand and fight to everyday.
But in reality it’s like a roller coaster, you know you won’t die and there will be an end to the ride, it just takes the courage to get on.
Wow. You are really passionate about your opinion of Black women who relax their hair. My beef is the same as anyones. How do you hypothesize that I hate myself due to hair style? I guess women with naturals aren’t victims of domestic violence. Staying in a hateful relationship is a pretty good display of self loathing. More so than hairstyle I would venture. But I guess only women with dye jobs suffer from depression and so on. I have a relaxer. I get bored go natural. Get bored get a relaxer. Every couple years. Does that make me confused?
Some people are missing the point…I don’t think the post is to get at anybody personally, but IT IS a fact that permed hair is evidence of black women not being able to accept that what they are naturally is beautiful..
“Is a fact”….? I doubt it….Was…. definately. I can speak as an black man with long natural hair that I would never go “Pimp” hair ever, but speaking for women, I think it may be a comb factor for some. Not that they hate themselves or even think that it looks bad, but our women aren’t raised to know how to manage natural hair. I’d take a strech and compare it to the car. Speeds up the process of getting ready for a fast paced day in this microwave generation. Only reason for walking is exercise… And most black women this day and age choose to metaphorically walk every now and then in their life. But I think that we can tend to be cosmetically Omish by putting down our sisters that choose to drive.
Woman 05.18.09 at 4:29 pm
Some people are missing the point…I don’t think the post is to get at anybody personally, but IT IS a fact that permed hair is evidence of black women not being able to accept that what they are naturally is beautiful..
The point I was trying to make is: the belief you ascribe to IS NOT a fact. It is an opinion. I don’t take this personally at all, I love intelligent dialouge. I agree black women got some issues. I just don’t hair is a reflection of those issues.
I can see what you’re saying, 45eye, and while I was reading, I thought of the women who probably also don’t know how to care for their relaxed hair, except to wrap it or put rollers in it overnight and wait until their next appointment in the salon to have someone else take care of it for them. These are probably women who’d be absolutely petrified at the idea of wearing their hair natural, and especially not in an “out” style that required daily care.
So is it safe to say that these women of whom I spoke above are lacking a certain “self-care” instinct, if not actual self-hatred? Just as you said they prefer to drive over walking, even though walking is better for us?
gogreen, everything is connected to everything. It is all interconnected. The same way your body sweats to cool down your temperature for the sake of homeostasis, your choice of style is a direct reflection of your inner mind.
It is a ghost from the plantation. For a woman to say, “I believe in God, he is perfect and all knowing,” and then say my hair is too hard to manage, God made a mistake, let me so him how it should’ve been is ridiculous to me. If you feel blessed, then your natural self is what you were blessed with. Everything was placed where it is for a reason. But you are actually denying God’s create. It’s almost like, “God, give me your paint brush, you made a mistake. Let me show you how it is supposed to be.” (while rolling your neck)
Look, if you wish your hair was naturally curly (which it is, just tighter curls), I mean quote unquote good hair, then you DO have self acceptance issues. A lot of Africans (in America) wish they had “good hair”, that’s self hate.
If you’d wear your God given hair if it was “good” but won’t in it’s current state, that is self hate.
Wow. Seriously? Now my perm is not only a reflection of self loathing it also is a reflection of my relationship with the Universe? Knock it off boy (lol)! We both agree self-loathing is an infection. And I agree with you that our internal stuggles do manifest themselves externally. However, here’s the hiccup: we don’t have the market cornered on self hate. White women, Latina’s, Indian women who hate themselves don’t have the hair texture as me (even with a perm!). I would argue a Black woman who stuggles with self hate could get a SUPER relaxer today and wake up hating her feet or legs in the morning dude. It minimizes us permed ladies. Cuz I’m cool with me.
Your response is like a kid who gets caught doing something wrong and points the finger at everyone else. “White, Latina, Indian” women aren’t the lowest on the marriage pole. They aren’t the highest on the divorce pole, either. It’s time to stop looking around at everyone else and look at us.
A nation is judged by the character of it’s women. Those other nations you name have strong communities and strong families.
Have it your way as you’ve been having it, I guess. They say “let a sleeping dog lay.” I guess it is what it is.
Where I live I’m surround by Asians, Hispanics, Europeans, Indians, everything. I’m in a major city in the USA. When I walk outside and look at the people around me USUALLY everyone else is doing them but Black women. Of course there’s an alteration here and there, but Black females are the only ones walking around looking quite ridiculous with weaves, wigs, perms, etc. It looks so unnatural, and you know what, everyone else I speak to when they open up and tell the truth they are secretly laughing at how ridiculous we look.
Ouch. I’m sorry you read me as “a kid caught doing something wrong”. I guess it would be a reflection of my intelligence to agree with you? When I listed those other cultures it was an attempt to offer a comparison. You seem to know everything about Black females and how we think and what motivates our internal beings. Why pose the question in the first place? Where you trying to weed out the “right” (you) from everybody else?
ps-Has anyone ever told you your passion could be mistaken for arrogance? (no disrespect intended)
I should have taken a moment to think about my reply first. I apologize for my tone if it was offensive. I am a human, full of passion as well, and do make mistakes.
I appreciate and accept your apology. Thank you. No hard feelings.
If you look at this post http://www.niggasnomore.com/archives/955 Chris Rock’s little girl comes to him and says she doesn’t like her hair. This isn’t just one case, this is happening every minute. So… there is a deep seeded hate that we have to expose first in order to heal and learn to love instead. Is the hate natural? I don’t think so. Is it a product of society? Yes. But in order to heal and move in a direction of self love we have to admit the problem exist. Admitting to a problem is hard. I know 60 year old adults who live in denial about certain things, so that tells me that admitting to a weakness is hard. But once you see your weakness you can build on it to strengthen it.
And this is not a “me” thing. This isn’t about what I like and think is appealing. It is beyond that. This hate is deep rooted in the Black psyche. It’s time to pull out the shovels and dig it up though.
It is indeed a matter of self-hate. It’s obvious and it’s sad. I am a woman of African descent and I’ll openly admit that I struggle with loving myself. I wasn’t taught to love me, my hair, my body, nor my history.
Yes, I’ve gotten better over the years, YET, I still suffer and I too worry about what my life shall be as I hit my 30’s. I don’t want to be the stereotypical “Angry Black Woman” of whom is Single, yet so damn “INDEPENDENT”.
Yet I KNOW FULLY that unless I learn to love the very skin I’m in, along with my mind and soul, I’ll NEVER find a man worth keeping……
Forever Fabulous,
The Single Dame
The Single Dame, it is definitely a journey but one that is definitely worth the peaks & valleys. Trust, you will come out on the other side better for it – truly knowing & loving yourself…mind, body, & soul.
Peace & blessings
thebajangirl
I just dont understand this argument, its like an attempted to be pro black so you have to be anti white. We live in another country, where european influence is all around us. Granted I do believe that at some point and in some people it is apparent that they are not satisfied with their appearance in light of what america deems beautiful. But at this point I think people can make an informed choice about how they want to wear their hair. Now if that sister is wearing her hair str8 because she believes shes ugly without then theres a problem but if she likes the euro look better and believes its more pleasing to whoever, it doesnt mean she hates herself. We all want to look our best at times in order to appeal to who we want to appeal to. Lets get past this hair issue and focus on self love whether your black white or brown.
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And I repeat, we do not have to be anti white to love blackness. And blackness can be defined any way we please because we are free to choose whatever we want. Lets be human first!!
I agree that being “pro black” does not mean being “anti white.” But, the free exercise of preferences does not mean that one has to be anti-self either. On this particular topic, the seemingly free exercise of preferences is most likely an outward expression of inner turmoil/hatred. One must ask his/herself the question why they think the “euro look is better.” Why is it “more pleasing” and more “appeal[ing]?” Why does straight hair lead to “look[ing] our best?” These are not easy questions and true answers are even tougher to address.
Relatedly, in order to love all humans, one has to love oneself. If someone hates themself because of their hair texture/type, then most likely, they hate everyone with that hair texture/type. Hating an ENTIRE group of people (who happen to be the majority of people on the earth) because of a physical characteristic means there is no way to love the humans overall. Basically, if one does not love oneself, then one can not love others (as many have posted above). To tie it all together, one can not focus on overall self love if there is a “hair issue.”
-lostheritage
Anti white was never said. There is nothing in there saying “one should love themselves” and should “hate someone else”. It doesn’t. White America uses your same state of mind to infringe on Black America. When Black America was tired of being beaten, abused, and slain by police they took actions to protect themselves in the Black Panther days. They started to say Black is beautiful and love who you are. White America immediately spread propaganda that this is anti-white sentiment. No, it isn’t. The same way you teach your children to love themselves we should be able to teach ours. Why would anyone oppose that? The same way you want to walk the street and feel safe from harm WE want to too. Why would anyone oppose that? The only person who would oppose that is the people responsible for the harm itself. They were teaching if you and your laws wont protect me, my spouse, my children, then I will have to protect them myself. Why should you have a protection that I don’t? With the Lincoln monument, mount Rushmore, etc., etc., you are teaching self love. Those are monuments of white greatness. They stand to show accomplishment. Why can’t a say Black is beautiful and love yourself, too? You’d only oppose that if deep down you really want Black destruction.
Ewbar, I co-sign. I didn’t read any anti-white sentiments in your piece either…it’s about loving who we are as a people. Period. Full stop.
thebajangirl
peace & blessings
I think its a bit extreme to say self hate, but it does stem from some type of disdain…we live in a world where even though we were created to be different we strive to be the same. WE WERE TAUGHT TO HATE OURSELVES & ALL WE REPRESENT…IT GOES BEYOND HAIR ITS OUR COLOR OUR TEXTURE AND WE DONT HONOR OURSELVES BC NO1 ELSE DOES. I was one of those little girls with good hair so my momma didnt allow me to get a perm, so when I turned 18 & I got a job I felt I had years of catching up to do and I relaxed and styled. I didn’t kno what to do with the relaxed part so Im back now no longer needing the feeling to belong. We’re are a confused society bc our identity has been stolen from us & anyways most of us dont have a heritage so i do think we are searching for something…and im glad that im one step closer to finding myself but my journey is different from others and only farrah is equipped to handle farrahs life. blessings to the one closer to their self realization and their universal truth…
Youre right Ms. Farrah, we all strive to be the same. We are subjected to countless hours of white womens version of beauty daily. instead of trying to mimic them, we could have preserved ourselves by accepting the fact that we have different standards of beauty! I’ve been natural for a year now and I get overwhelmingly supportive responses daily. Today I started my first day at summer school and came across a few natural sistas and we immediately clicked and started chatting about our hair together like we were long lost friends. A permed girl was just looking at us awkwardly as we hugged and gave high-fives.
Ewbar, the minds of the masses are so malleable. Promote natural haired models, adore them like the next Halle Berry and watch how black women respond. When i first went natural with my TWA, the first thing my friends asked is ‘how does your boyfriend feel about this?’ its obvious that the male opinion shapes what we women do…even if we want to admit it or not. We all went out to a party, and they were just floored when they noticed just as many men approached me with my TWA as when I looked like every other black girl with a perm… i mean ‘normal’.
I love when people adore my curls. And the few times that I hear a snide remark (always by my own people) I say something like ‘I know right! How DARE I let my hair grow how it grows?! I should burn it straight so i can look like you, right?’ and smile, and go about my day
Oh & I love what you said about seeing young black girls with long beautiful thick unpermed hair. But when you see their mothers, you already know their fate. i WONDER the same thing everyday! I look @ my baby pictures and notice how at 5 &6 I had long cute twists. I asked my mom why she permed it and she said very defensively ‘your haiir was too thick.’ the same thickness ive been trying to get back my whole permed life.
and now that she sees me in all my natural glory, she gets offended daily. Or she’ll make a comment about how its nice and all, but she could never do it because she doesnt have enough ‘time.’ id rather take that extra 30 minutes to style my tresses than buy an expensive ass cheap looking wig and glue it to my forhead every other week.
I think it’s sad that a person can’t practice, self expression and free will with out being put down. I do not believe if you perm your hair or make any type of change to your body that you do not love yourself. For some it my be true. Everyone has a reason for doing these things or not to do them. It’s called a choice and a right. We should be uplifting and teaching one another not breaking them down. I’m beautful, fat, black, I have zits, I perm my hair and I love myself !!!!!
It’s not “self expression” because it’s not “self”. Furthermore, using words like “fat” to describe yourself isn’t loving. If a husband tells his wife, “you know what, you are fat,” that’s not loving. That’s abusive and needs to be considered as such.
Call it what you want
fat, heavy, big boned what ever. I love myself and that’s the point I was trying to make. It’s words like those that make people feel that they need to change or cause one to not like themselve. I stated it that way to say it’s okay to love yourself regardless.
When I say..”it is a fact” I mean that it is a fact that women perming their hair, a lot of times is rooted in self hatred. We have to start acknowledging the connections of how many of the aspects of “African American” culture stem from slavery and oppression in this country. It is just history and sometimes this history can manifest itself what may seem like “minor” things to some. It may seem like a preference, but we have to stop and think why it is a “preference” and what this “preference” says about who we are and also how this “preference” affects are children. When you “permanently” change your hair it makes a big statement about who you want to be PERMANENTLY…and this doesn’t mean that people that perm their hair are evil ignorant demons, but it does say that sometimes these people may be defending something that they always knew simply because they don’t have the knowledge of its root.
Also, don’t get it twisted, just because you like natural hair and prefer to perm your own hair does not mean that you do not have some inner denial that says “hey natural hair is beautiful, but I don’t want to do it cuz I don’t want to look like that or I have don’t want to have to deal with the pressure of living in a society where everyone looks down on natural hair.
sorry for the typos!!
If it’s not good enough for you to do while you’re pregnant–potentially harmful to your unborn baby–why would you do it ever? No perm, no bleach. There are natural ways of darkening and lightening hair. Use tea to darken it. Grab some lemon juice for high lights. God provides for that variety.
God is the best hairdresser and dietician. Black woman: Love yourself enough to take good care of yourself in every way possible. Love your children enough to show them the beautiful example of strength and confidence in what God provides.
momowilly, your points are very valid! I didn’t think about the baby thing until now. But why would someone subject themselves to something so harmful?
I really like the, “Love your children enough to show them the beautiful example of strength and confidence in what God provides” part. Thanks.
Peace fam,
I totally agree with you. It IS self-hate…any way you slice it. As a woman coming into a certain level of consciousness, it’s CRYSTAL CLEAR that it’s self-hate…an underlying hate that can’t be brushed under the rug anymore. Call a spade a spade and hopefully it will open these sistas’ third eye/minds to what they’ve been to to themselves, friends, family. play-cousins, etc for generations. We need to recognize 1) what we are doing to ourselves and more importantly 2) WHY we are doing it to ourselves.
You can throw any excuse out there (because ppl will make up thousands of excuses to defend ignorance) but at the end of the day it’s self-hate. Period!
http://www.comeonsistas.blogspot.com
Peace
Hair is not that important. All of these folks running around calling each other pimps and hoes and treating each other like it and thinking its cute, now that is important.
Ijust went back to a perm after bein all natural. The perm is just easier for me. But i got just as much attention with an afro and looked just as good. It did give me a new appreciation for myself. Knowing that no matter what I’m gorgeous. Before goin all natural i thought it would be ugly. but I now see black people are gorgeous with or without a perm or color. to each its own. I do hope each individual thinks about why they do what they do and will at least try the all natural once in their life
Its our choice and your being paranoid. Not everything has an explanation and you can’t keep promoting the ways of the old days in a new age. Just like when women decided to wear shorter skirts and were called boppers…Get over it!
Its our choice and your being paranoid. Not everything has an explanation and you can’t keep promoting the ways of the old days in a new age. Just like when women decided to wear shorter skirts and were called boppers…Get over it!
i agree wiv Vemming ders world wide crisis and ur talkin abot african women wearing perms. i dont understand its der choice der lyfe. so wat do u expect from dis dat every african women 2 sob and saii OMG EWBAR ur correct dis make me feel fake or shyt or wateva.
A women does wat she wanna do if her hair dont satisfy her and decide 2 get it permed so be it. i dont see wats so wrong or bad abot it.
and btw if ur not a woman i dnt see wat dis gota do wiv u and y ur soo concerned about somefing feminine. IS DER SOMEFING UR NOT TELLING US?
As far as this picture I think it was just bad lighting…but I do not believe their is anything wrong with perms and if you want to change African Americans that is the least of the problems you need to be worried about
Mali_x_queen is way out of line in insinuating that the brother Ewbar might be gay or whatever because he is concerned about what Black women do with their hair. On the other hand, I still think hair is not that important since the nexus between hair style and self hatred is not strong enough to talk about. I would urge brother Ewbar to tackle documentable tough social issues such as the inability of Black folks to marry, start families and stay together (in that order). Don’t all of you nappy and happy or permed and perfect young ladies start typing at the same time.
So what exactly is a woman who chooses to wear her hair bald or cut low. Does she hate being a woman, does that automatically make her a lesbian, is she tell God he made a mistake.
I think self hate comes into play based on the mindset. Some women are afraid to go natural because of the backlash from very people they wld call brother or sister. I think there are so me things and reasons you can uncover when it comes to this issues.
Do I believe more women would wear their hair natural if black men actually appreciated the varied attributes/charastertics that define Africans/AA.
There are alot of obstacales women in general have to overcome living in America. There are alot beauty standards such as being thin and add the fact that you are AA/African. Your own people will anatagonize for being too dark, too light. I’ve had black men tell me I cute to be dark skin…what is that. So there may be tons of women who arent comfortable being in their own skin. Their just a product of their enviroment. I would like to see more of our own celebrating the beauty of blackness, but instead they uplift white beauty and attributes. Which is why it seems the new African/AA black standard is light skin women with long silky/curly/wavy hair, male can be dark skin. Kids look mixed. I do understand that we come in variety, but thats the standard. And thats what many a black man goes after. So women do what the must to appear beautiful, to attract a man, to compete with women.
Like why are some many black men mesmerized with long hair. This is not an attribute of natural 4b hair because of shrinkage, it may be for others with a looser curly texture.
I can assure if perms/relaxers were outlawed tomorrow most AA men would flock to women with wavy/curly hair. Lets not bother with skintone. So sometimes I ask myself why is it the so many black people villify blackness?
Excuse me for all the typos its was early in the AM,couldn’t sleep, and apparently couldn’t type. Two things that came to mind. The movie Phat Girls starring Monique, because of her weight she was not really seen as beautiful (accepted) in America (and I assume by her own kind), however when the African man showed interest she couldn’t believe it because, she by American standards was fat! However, in this movie the African men love women her size. So, she was accepted into their community. So what did her skinny friend do??? She began to eat like a pig in hopes of gaining weight to attract an African man. Afro’s dont get the attention of black men in America (some but not the majority). Also I will do some more research, but I was amazed to find out so many, pro black activist from 60’s and back…had white wives. What does that say about them??? Why, if they are all about the advancement of black people would they have a white woman by their side? Does that change the message they are putting out. Does that men they hate being black or just black women? Maybe the didnt like AFROS of that era. I really think that their is a divide between black men and wome; and on some conspiracy theory type ish, I think many of them just hate black women (even the light skin ones), period.
And lastly Ewbar if you do not live in Africa, do intend on moving there to make it your home. I was thinking if for the many of us that do love are blackness whats the hold up. Africa is the being ravaged. America dollars, even in this economy equates to $$$$$$$ when exchange into the currency of many African countries. How about a mass exodus out of America. Maybe once we are back in our own element the weaves will disappear, the relaxers and perms will grow out, or be chopped off. Who knows???? Just wondering why if America does this to AA’s, why dont those who see it and take issue with it, go home. Home= Welcomed & Appeciated.
Ewbar, I agree and disagree. Yes, I agree it is absurd for women to get somethng that is just so blatantly unnatural…like the blond weave. However I disagree that getting a weave or relaxer is self-hate. Again, I do it all the time. And yes it is so I can manage my hair. I never actually learned how to work with my natural hair and the few times I did let it go natural it was a headache. A blow out just makes it easy to comb. That’s all I want, to be able to comb my hair.
As for men with relaxers? I HATE it. I’m not a fan of Black men with long hair anyway. THAT is unnatural if you want to take it back to our “roots”. If you are going to have it, where it in braids. But relaxed men just look like women to me and it looks silly. I remember everyone was getting an S-Curl. Men generally have shorter hair so they have nothing to really maintain so yeah, the s-curl to me is trying to change into something they are not…and it looks ridiculous. A Black woman with a relaxe CAN be a form of self-hate (you’d have to know her personal history), it can just be her wanting to have straighter hair or manageable hair, or the option to wake up and choose any style she wants which she cannot do with her hair natural. But to ask us to just admit we have a problem is wrong especially when you haven’t proved there is a problem. The problem is you are not willing to admit that it’s just what some of us like. I can almost guarantee that had I learned to take care of my hair in it’s natural state I’d STILL get it straightened. Why? B/c now I can choose between the two and do both. It’s just another style.
I have to say I agree. I did not have weave or a perm until high school and after I came to school with weave in my hair I got compliments ALL day! Guys hit onme who didnt pay me no mind before and “popular girls” were inviting me places. It is self hate and it has been ingrained in us since we met the white man. Common sense is not common Ewbar and therefore people get angry. I personally wear my hair in a millions styles. My actual hair is natural and I do love wearing my fro. I am not ugly at all, however, i rarely get hit on with my hair natural. So sometimes I get my real hair braided and get weave sewn in. I get hit on every five minutes after that!
Black men havent loved our black women for decades, look how we treat them in entertainment. We got our daughters wanting to grow up to be a video ho. Our black men get us to believe that drug dealing is cool, that grills are sexy, and that they do not have to commit to a relationship. We as black women want the attention and love of our black men so much that we agree to those stupid things! I myself have succumb to the part where straight hair makes you more attractive sometimes and I get a sew in. Its a societal problem. unfortunately the media rules. And who is the media run by? white people! African americans are a dying species simply because we cannot go back to Africa (I personally know a lot of Africans do not like us) and we are being blended into the white american society little by little. If black men and women dont get married and perpetuate the black family we fade away. If the black man gets the black woman pregnant but marries the white woman we fade away. I love all people but i really love my people and I am attracted black men. IF I want to get married though I cant hold my breath. there is small hope left for us as black women.
EWBAR……….PLS KEEP GIVING UP THE TRUTH IN ITS RAW FORM
AS BOB MARLEY ONCE SANG……”THE TRUTH IS AN OFFENSE, BUT NOT A SIN
so weave is the catalyst that sparked the downfall for african american women? i dont get it…its only hair
I DO NOT THINK, AT ALL, THAT ALL BLACK WOMEN HATE THEMSELVES. I BELIEVE THAT THERE MAY BE SOME THINGS ABOUT THEM THAT THEY MAY WANT TO CHANGE. I DON’T FIND ANYTHING WRONG WITH GETTING A PERM OR RELAXER TO MAKE THE HAIR MORE MANAGABLE. IT IS NO DIFFERENT FROM ALL THESE WHITE WOMEN GETTING PERMS OR WEARING EXTENSIONS OR BREAST AUGMENTATIONS. YEA, YEA, WHITE WOMEN DO THESE THINGS TOO, SO WHY ARE YOU DIRECTING THIS ARTICLE TOWARDS BLACK WOMEN ONLY??? I AM AN AFRICAN AMERICAN WOMAN AND I AM VERY OFFENDED BY THIS ARTICLE AND IT IS PEOPLE LIKE YOU, EWBAR, WHO MAKES THE MINORITY FEEL LIKE THEY ARE LESS AND LESS ATTRACTIVE WHEN WE, AS AFRICAN AMERICANS, ARE SOME (ONE RACE OF MANY) OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, INTELLIGENT AND TALENTED.
I agree with everything that the blogger has written. I am from a country in the Caribbean, and my people love them some weave/wigs. I have been natural from the age of 13, i am now 22. Most of my friends and family members acted as if i had committed some deadly sin, when i decided to stop perming my hair. I got the “girl i can not believe that you are natural, how do you do it”? “Girl i can never ever wear my hair like that”. I worked at a beauty supply store one summer, and man i was so shock and surprised at the condition of some of these ladies hair under that nice wig. It seem as if most black women would rather their natural hair to balding, eat away ,damage anything most seem not to care. With all the chemical in these perms and things,God knows what the long term health implications are. p/s Rocking me some beautiful locs.
I”ve read most of the comments and have to say that I don’t think that is self loathing to perm or have weaves. However, I do feel like it not appreaciatinga nd accepting your natural hair. I am dominican and purto rican and everyday I wear gel so that my hair could lay flat and you will probbaly never see me without gel on my hair, yet I never blow dry my hair and don’t see the need. I think that many dominican women feel that they are more beautiful if they perm their hair or straighten it and this is what hurts, to think that you have to look like the mainstream ( ie white) too look and feel beautiful. I know a lot of guys that rather be with white girl because they are natural. We should not change our looks because of men we should do it for ourselves. This with anything else, close, surgeries, weight, and hair. I love who I am and I love my hair but I’ll continue to wear gel, and believe me when I say I don’t hate myself.
Oh my God, sorry for the horrible typos =)
Bascially… the way we African women wear our hair is not important, what’s important is what it represents. Since I was six I had been given relaxers and the only thing that tells a six year old is that the way God made her is not good enough to society. I don’t feel as though anyone no matter race, creed, or color should alter any feature to fit into a group they will never be a part of. No matter how Africans try to excuse it we are stilled in psychological slavery and will contiue to be until we relize our ancestors tried to conform their kinky hair into something that was pleasing and more like those socially constructed as white people. However, they did this because of the society that they were brougt into. In my opinion a major part of Africans in America are brainwashed to think natural kinky hair is unprofessional, unmanagable, and unacceptable to this country. Why is the hair that naturally grows from my scalp wrong? I’ve talked to many permed sisters who say, “nothing’s wrong with natural hair because it’s cute on you…you have good hair…my hair is too nappy for that.” It’s really hurting to me that my sisters feel like something is wrong with the hair God gave them and that when Africans see me with my natural they ask is it weave or am I mixed with something not knowing if they didn’t relax their lovely hair it would be the same as mine. It’s upsetting that many African women do not regonize it in themseleves. But I don’t blame them because this is how those socially constructed as “white people” have made us think and act and I know I can’t force anyone to see something they don’t know is there so I just pray that one day my great great granddaughters will be able to see they are who they are and that’s all they can be. People call me crazy and don’t agree with me only because they can’t see what I see. I thank God everyday that I am able to see past what society has socially constructed.
I completely understand, my hair was relaxed when I was ten so that it could be straight, I know that mom did that so that people would think that I came out with so-called “good hair”. Like you and many others have mentioned, this idea of good hair and bad hair carrives from the enslaved mentality that characteristics from Caucasian people are better and more beautiful. I do agree that we, as I consider my self a woman of color and come from a culture that is racist to their own kind, should love, accept, and be true to our natural traits. I strongly believe that under the surface of things, there does lie a more deeper reason why woman of color want to straighten and relax their hair. As most of us know, it is because they have been taught by the media, the mainstream society but most heavily by our own family, that we are better if we resemble white people. Yes, this is self loathing, to want to be other than what you are, especially trying to be like the people that hated you for being different, for being black, is ironic and it’s a vicious cycle. Before slavery and white domination everyone in Africa only new about curly hair, that was the best hair, that was normal, that was natural. The words “kinky” or “nappy” didn’t even exist. Those are the terms that derogates people with other types of hair other than straight or “good”. I have to say that it is a form of self loathing. I guess the truth stings and we rather not see it.
i saw your wedsite name and thought whoa what? then i read it. this one is like really. i don’t hate myself but i have natural hair and to be honest for me i can’t speak for anyone else but i spend MORE time on my hair now that it is loc’d. not everyday,but the time i spend once or twice a month tighten. but i know that it is healthier now then it has been.i don’t use the same products but different ones that i brew myself.
Some people, are just to smart for their own good! They analyze each and everything and come to some, intelligent sounding, but wrong conclusions. The world evolves!! That’s the bottom line. There are a plethora of black women in the world who get married and just stay marrried. In addition, there are many women who get married in other races, that end up in divorce and some do not even get married at all. So for the creator of the “supposed problem” at hand, no hating here, just love for myself as a black woman!
You know what, my hair is nappy right now. I got this good motions perm I am about to put on it! God bless!
Damn. That picture of Tyra Banks was like a Spooky Freak, even down to her plastic barbie “smile”. She could be more in the money if she rent herself out at halloween parties with that look.
its just hair!!.. omg wot a bunch ov losers!!..long,short,dreads,black,blonde,curly,straight.. its just hair..it have no soul,no thourghs,no feelings..
so it doznt need a whole page about it..and you should be ashamed to say that black wemon hate them self just because they want to have a change and nnot spend hours on their hair.
I pray to god that the end will come, for your audcity is the shame experienced by many..
you are right it is just hair.
That mess MAKES you spend hours on yo hair! Not to mention the bucks to keep it up!
If hair so dead and meaningless, why did so much politics revolve around our hair? No baby our hair is beautiful in all its textures.
I am a black man. I have seen beautiful black women with natural hair and beautiful black women with permed hair. I hope that women with perms do not think that they need a perm in order to be beautiful. I believe that perming is to black women what tanning and collagen injections are to white women. That is, a rather harsh, possibly caustic, beautification treatment. Hell, collagen injections are minor surgery. So what’s the point? The point is that beauty memes are a mighty powerful influence on the behavior of women. How else can one explain elective surgery for $10,000 breast implants! Why paint you face with makeup? Why lift your breasts with bras? Why thread your eyebrows? Why wax your upper lip hair? Why paint your fingernails? Why slim your waists with corsets? Wow. Have you ever itemized all of the things that women, of all colors, do to be sexually attractive to men? Right now, I am glad, glad, glad to be a man.
Black women don’t get married, one of you said that… I think there is a reason for this, too many black men think that they want or need to be with a white woman, like a way to show that they are a step above other black men, or as a way to get back at white people for the slavery thing. I think the dumbass black men need to stop being woman beaters, that is the real reason black women don’t marry, its because they are smart enough to know that a lot of black men are abusive towards physical weakness.
@Carter once we as Black Women understand the ads we see are not us, they are what society says we should look like we as Black Women will be comfortable in our own skin. I’m not saying that this applies to ALL Black Women.From time to time I put on mascara and lipgloss so i’m not completely removed from that. @ Bob, I did get married , I was married to a white man he wasn’t perfect but he accept my son(whose Black father left him) and I, my son called him dad until the day my husband died. I actively persued Black men after the death of my husband, but i was ignored so i just stopped. And then I met Joe. I refused to get involved with another White man , that was almost 4 years ago and we are still together….. so what did I do wrong????